Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:6-7



Tuesday, January 17, 2017

I've Missed You So




I'm here, still hanging on, and it feels good to be back to a place where I feel comfortable. I truly have missed you so.

I know that blogging seems to have gone by the wayside, in favor of other methods of social media that give quicker and easier responses. There is no "like" button on my blog -- not even the old "thumbs up." The only way I know you've been here and read this post is if you leave a comment, which is sooo cumbersome compared to a "like" or quick comment on FB, or a heart emoji on Twitter or Instagram. But, I'm ok with that.

I love comments, "likes," and "hearts"  -- they makes my day, but the quick responses and likes are not a good trade for my sanity. I have experienced the FB experiment for over a year and I am just not cut out for it. Maybe my skin is too thin, or my anxiety too close to the surface, but FB and Twitter are just sh*t stirrers (pardon my language) and I am finished. I use it for my business, but I can not scroll trough the feed on FB anymore looking for news about family and friends. Most of what I find are political statements or advertising for someone or something. I'm guilty myself of sharing what I call "garbage," and I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I contributed to the mess that satan so loves. He loves the garbage and the stirring of the sh*t -- keeping ideas and statements and images swirling around us like a tornado of human anger, hatred, feelings of worthlessness, and materialism.

My life is chaotic enough without adding to the mix the opinions of literally millions of other people popping in at any moment. I will post my blog posts on my timeline for my old blogging friends, and use it for my business, but I won't be scrolling through the feed anymore. Family members, I love you, but I can't sift through the garbage to find the beautiful pictures of your children and your news about what's happening in your little corner of the world. Friends, I love you too, but I just want to know what's happening in your lives, not the entire world! I need to stay in my safe little cave. I think I always will -- I'm just not made for the world. Please, send me your news, pictures of your kids, tidbits about your days. I'll give my phone number to any of my friends -- just text me some news once in a while! I'll love you even more for the extra effort.

In my world, my business is busy, but not necessarily very profitable. Every day I vacillate between going back to looking for a real job and continuing with what I'm doing. Just when I think I've made up my mind, I get another laundry client, or more food orders than normal, and then I'm just busy and don't have time to think about what I should do. I guess I'll do it until something happens that causes me to change what I'm doing. I'm home three days a week, mostly, and almost always when Faith gets home from school. Every day she comes in with her arms out for a hug and says "Mommy, I missed you so much!" which is probably part teasing and a tiny bit true. For 14 years she was with me 24/7. Maybe just a little she really does miss me.

Doug's business is really just dawning. It may take a while for it to really shine, but it has great potential. It's going to take patience for both of us, but we're in it for the long haul now. I think I've said this about a hundred times in the past 11 months, but I'll say it again -- "I never thought we'd be where we are at this point in our lives," but this is where we are and we have to make the best of it. There's no going back, we can only be grateful for the sun to come up each day, slowly glowing at the horizon and filling the sky with more light as each moment passes.




If you need me, you know where I'll be...chopping vegetables, forming loaves of bread, stirring pots of soup, maybe rolling enchiladas, or folding a family's laundry and ironing some man's boxer shorts.

Yes, I iron boxer shorts.




22 comments:

  1. I'm so glad you're here! (and I understand ironing boxer shorts... my mother ironed my father's, and I would BEG her to let me iron his shorts and large white handkerchiefs).

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    1. Thanks, Nancy. I ironed my dad's handkerchiefs, too, but my mom did the boxer shorts. I never knew she ironed his boxer shorts until I told her one day, after being at a client's house, that I just couldn't fold the boxers without ironing them. Odd, but true.

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  2. I loved reading this, Barbara. I also feel exactly as you do about not wanting to see the whole world -- just news from friends and family. We weren't meant to take on the troubles of the whole world, but only do our best in our own little sphere.

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    1. "We weren't meant to take on the troubles of the whole world" -- that's JUST it, Alice. I can only handle my share of battles.

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  3. I have always felt "not made for the world" too! Again, kindred spirits!

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    1. Thanks, Jenny. We really are. Why are we not next-door neighbors?

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  4. Hi! I'm glad you're here. I'm sort of feeling the pull of blogging again, though IDK why. I never got many "likes" there. Fb is depressing and not for me, either, I just don't seem to be able to give it up yet.

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    1. There have been moments in the past few weeks when I was weaning myself where I felt the desire to sit down with a cup of tea and scroll. But each time I gave in, within seconds of scrolling I would come across something that triggered my anxiety just a little and I closed the tab. It's just not worth the aggravation. I've started to read again when I need a "time out" and it's a much more worthy past time.

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  5. I'll be back reading your words too! I de-activated fb yesterday. I took the app off my phone just after the new year began and have been looking at it on my computer a couple times a day....slowly weaning myself off. Yesterday, I hit the "D" button. I hope I never return there...too much turmoil for my soul. I love reading my favorite blogs again, but not sure if I want to return to blogging. So much has changed in my life...kids grown with 2 of 3 living away, 1 of 3 married, and then there is that "opiate addiction thing" that tilted my world in a way I never thought possible. I just don't know how to handle that story online and really, it's not "my" story to tell. I wonder if I could just concentrate on sewing, smocking, knitting, cooking, gardening, and love...would anyone read that?

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    1. I would LOVE it!

      It's hard when we've been telling our family story for so long to suddenly come up empty. But that's motherhood in a nutshell, isn't it? We live our lives for our kids and suddenly we're empty-handed, or if not completely empty-handed, we're wordless. Like you said, it's no longer "our story," it's theirs to tell. We must write our own now.

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  6. Just popping in to say I miss blogging and the community. FB is very different.

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  7. Love this post. I use Facebook to see my relatives in CO and CA. I use snapchat with close family. I love keeping connected with others when life is just crazy. I am anxious to see that grandbaby of yours!! Best things to blog about are babies!

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    1. I'm just an old-fashioned texter and emailer (and a letter-writer if I had more time!). I dislike Snapchat (intensely!) because of the disappearing message. My memory is so awful I need to refer back to the written word frequently. I'm glad you visited me here. I know you gave up your blog, like so many others, so I'm glad to know you'll pop over here.

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  8. I've missed you so, too! So, so happy to see you posting here. I check every day to see if you're 'back.' I've never been on FB or social media other than blogs (don't even have a smartphone so not even instagrahamcracker as my kids call IG), and your words clearly indicate it's no place for me, though I often feel like a dinosaur for it. Some of the ladies have been 'blogging like it's 2005', and it's been delightful to read old-time-blogging style posts.
    "I never thought we'd be where we are at this point in our lives" reminds me of the words of our dear, wise priest. After the Christmas liturgy he just spoke a few words reminding the people that even though we can sometimes be completely shocked by where we are and how we have ended up, we must remember that God is orchestrating it all and we are exactly where He means for us to be, for Him to accomplish His will in us at this time. As my family sat in the back row of our new (!) church I felt like he was talking directly to us. 'There's no going back' is a good reminder for me too. We do indeed all have so much to be grateful for.
    So keep popping in here, dear Barbara! Grace and blessings to you and yours.
    PS You bet your boots that girl misses you. ;-)

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    1. Thank you, Kimberlee, for your kind words. I have been told hundreds of time in these past 11 months, "It's all in God's plan" and I believe that, but have a hard time believing he intended for my husband to be fired for doing His work and prefers that we struggle instead. Yes, maybe we need to be stronger, yes, maybe He wanted us elsewhere, but struggling is hard to take as the will of God. I have always balked at "there but for the grace of God go I." Does that mean I have no grace, or less grace? We are told that worldly goods are not the path to heaven, which I firmly believe, but I'm not sure how much we have to give up before we have to fight for what we can keep -- our home, our medical insurance, food and clothes. Mysteries we will only know the answers to on the other side of the veil. God bless you, friend.

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  9. That is a beautiful photo of the sky. I'm the same. I blame my "highly sensitive person-ness" (hsperson.com) I erased my blog and I haven't looked back. I erased facebook off my phone. THAT was so needed. On some of their apps, you can't even turn off notifications! Lame! I also don't announce stuff on facebook anymore. If you want to know what's going on with me, pick up the phone or shoot me an email. The world has gotten so impersonal and people are so disconnected from one another. Social media gives you the illusion of being connected, but you're not really connected at all. Anywhoo...you already know all this, I just wish more people did! Wish I could be eating your delicious food! <3

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    1. That was my rare moment of sun this week -- cloudy and gray every day!

      You're right -- the more we "stay connected" the less connected we actually are.

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  10. I'm happy I stuck with "old-fashioned" blogging, too, though I never thought I'd think of it that way. Buttercupland, my blog, is never contentious, and it's a nice upbeat group. Come and visit!
    Keeping you and your family in my prayers.

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  11. Oh, my gosh!! I love what Faith does when she comes home!! That was my favorite part of this whole thing! I totally understand your feelings and every time I want to give up Facebook, someone tells me they love the things I post and tell me how it inspires them....so I'm stuck, is this God's way of telling me to stay and be a "light" in what can be so negative? Sometimes i get sucked up in it too.

    Totally get it and I'm trying to blog more too. I forgot though that with blogging comes blog reading. In order to foster those relationships we need to do that too. SO here I am blog reading my favorites. You especially.

    Love you Barbara!

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I appreciate your comments -- sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself!