Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:6-7

Wednesday, November 13, 2013

Is it Thursday, no it's Wednesday, or is it? daybook

Veteran's Day has totally messed me up this week. Noah had school. Faith was supposed to have school, but she wanted a holiday, so she did most of her work Sunday (though unsupervised is not her best effort). The reason she wanted school off Monday was because the college kids had off, and Josh and Taylor came home to go to Mass Sunday and spend the night. Faith had visions of spending the day "playing "with her favorite big people, but they slept until noon, showered, and went back to campus. (Insert sad Faith face.) And now I have no idea what day I'm on. I'm timeless.

In nature...
It's cold out. Brrr. It snowed Monday night, and the snow is still on the ground...because it's cold! There are still bright red leaves on some trees, and they have snow on them. Pretty.

The snow beat us...we still need to put patio furniture away and I never got around to planting those mums.

"What the heck?" Ava's first snow.

After the snow the sky turned blue and the puffy white clouds floated by, and my favorite tree still had leaves on it.

In my thoughts...
(In my thoughts, in my thoughts, in my most grievous thoughts)
I have had -- we have had -- some real issues with the two children left at home. They get along like oil and water, and life, but especially dinner time, can get pretty ugly. "He's glaring at me!" she says. "What?" he says, acting innocent but definitely guilty. They need blinders on to eat dinner, and as a result my husband goes into a rant, every night, "You may not visit my grave when I'm dead the way you kids fight." And, to me, "Do you ever wonder if you had it to do all over again, would you do it again?" It's quite a downer. I usually end up with my head in my hands by the end of the meal, wishing I could just be "beamed up."

What do I do? Is this just normal sibling angst? When I read Leila's post today, I took some comfort, but still, I'm not sure. With the oldest a sixth-year senior (read, not working full-time, still borrowing), and my high school son not performing up to his potential (to put it mildly) and Faith's drama, and not yet into her teenage years, I sometimes wonder "Will I come out on the other end at all, much less unscathed?" Who was it that said "parenting is not for wimps"?

The question remains, are my children's successes and failures a reflection on me, in some very important way? Yes, the older ones are adults, they make their own choices, but I helped shape their little persons, didn't I? If I can say that, then aren't their issues somehow my fault? How does one just skate through life not taking these things so personally? How can I pretend I'm good when kids are not good? We are connected. This is, I'm sure, a spiritual issue, and maybe a sign that spiritually I need a lot of work. If I am closer to God am I less affected by what goes on around me, day after day?

Enough. enough. I'm depressing even myself.

In the school room...
...defining the school room. As winter rolls around I crave the sun -- and the warmth -- that shines through the front room window, the living room, the room to which I like to escape. The kitchen table, where we do school, is in the back, the northern exposure, and is dark and "tomblike." I like to be in the living room, but I don't want the mess of school in the living room. Quite a quandary.

On the table...
...tonight was Chicken Spaghetti, a new recipe from a new cookbook (this is the recipe). It was pretty yummy, and I would make it again. Noah turned his nose up at the onions, and Faith turned her nose up at the chicken, so it was, again, a delightful meal.

Today I am wearing...
A denim skirt, white knit shirt and navy sweater, and my new navy suede shoes.  So, so glam.

Around the house...
...laundry got away from me this week
...and some painting is planned, maybe for the weekend
...and some furniture moving around in anticipation of new mattresses arriving!

I am reading...
...several books. I just finished listening to Where'd You Go Bernadette? which I don't know that I would recommend. I think it is one of those books that may have come off better actually read and not heard. I just downloaded the audio version of The Unravelling of Violetta Bell, but have not started it. I really have no idea how I chose these books.

I am finishing the actual reading of Call the Midwife, Farewell to the East End on Kindle.

A few of my favorite things...
...planning Thanksgiving menu
...planning Thanksgiving decorations
...getting my house ready for family

I am creating...
...many scapulars. I just mailed off nine to one family today. I have many more to go before Christmas. The cut-off date is November 18, if you were thinking about getting one for Christmas.
...a shawl. I love this yarn. I love this yarn. Did I tell you I love this yarn? I love the pattern, too. I started the lace, which is easy so far -- I'm on the beginning part, we'll talk later when I get into the really complicated counting.

I am thankful...
...a working refrigerator (yea for refrigerators!)
...a full pantry
...medical insurance (even if it was the biggest pain in my neck/behind/head ever to re-enroll this year) that does not cover birth control, sterilization, and abortions (just in case you were wondering what any of the Catholic institutions were doing).
...that my husband has a job
...that we are all relatively healthy

I am hopeful...
...that I will not get sick this year (sick as in flu and really bad viruses). Jamie opened my eyes to the negative aspects of the flu vaccine and I have decided to not get one this year (Jamie you have to come and take care of me if I get it!). I am going to take Elderberry syrup every day, as well as Vitamin D and C, and really eat well. I really want to boost my immune system.

...I am also really hopeful that my doctor will have some advise for me when I see her tomorrow about the nerve pain in my leg. I have been to so many doctors about this and I am, essentially, starting over because the other doctors are just not confident that their solutions will work. I can not even make dinner now without sitting down for five minutes every five minutes or so. I hate this life. I half-jokingly told someone the other day that I'd rather have my leg amputated than live like this (which is not funny), but I was really serious. I'd like to cut the pain off! Who is the patron saint of nerve pain? I think I checked this out already and I don't think I got an answer.

Prayers sent heavenward...
...my husband and children
...all those who are sick and alone
...my son to learn his algebra chemistry
...my children to get along
...our priests and religious, especially our parish priests, and Fr. Howe (who broke his wrist -- poor baby!)
...all the babies whose mothers are contemplating abortion this week, for a change of heart

Well, my time is up. The drier buzzed, and my eyelids are drooping, and the only thing I was waiting for was a shirt from the drier for Noah.

Goodnight, friends.


  1. I wish I had a magic wand to make things better for you. I wish I had words of wisdom to give you. I have neither, but what I do have is a mother's heart that is going through the same dialogue. One of my college kids is causing us much angst and that is about all I can say at this time. I have offered my 2 cents, but will she take the advice? I don't know.

    On a happier note, I love the yarn and the pattern! So pretty.

  2. Did you try chiropratic (sp) care for your nerve pain? sometimes they do an ok job. I dont like getting the flu shot either or for my kids. Almost 200 people died last year in MN from it..some were very young..in their teens etc. Like you said..strong immune system. It is a struggle with that stupid shot..because if me or my kids get sick and die, well I would wish then that I had that shot.

    Kids drive you crazy. I have been through my share also. (Remember my oldest picking on his younger brother and making him cry) It is very hard to detach. I think of my grandma a lot (she is still alive 92yrs old) and she has 9 children..5 of them are divorced and only 3 are practicing Catholics. I know my grandma..she was a very good mama and loves her faith and faithfully goes to church.

    So..kids make their own choices and I think there is just not much we can do about it. except PRAY! (i might yap a little just cuz thats the kind of mama I am)

  3. I'm sure you are doing your best (re. kids). Don't let them push your buttons! The more they know they are bothering you, the more they try. On another note,the yarn and pattern are beautiful. It looks like it's coming along nicely. What size needles are you using?

  4. You are indeed the most transparent woman, Barbara - so free to share the joys and sorrows alike. Embracing so many relationships (even the ones that want to squirm from your embrace at times!)and using your gifts so generously are bound to bring you both! Thank you for this consistent model of humility - the heart that we know that our benevolent God does 'not oppose'.

    Jesus came full of grace and truth (John 1:14)- you really do seek both - and just the same, the road is narrow and steep oft times - so you need both legs!

    In gratitude for the fidelity of your faith, hope and love, dear one! Hoping to learn from your heart in these holy matters...

    PS Swelling (pardon the pun) gratitude for remembering Fr Howe's broken/healing wrist in prayer! The word from Roma is that he is 'managing well in all that counts'... able to raise the chalice and lift the stole over his neck - life remains rich and full!

  5. As my Big Kids get bigger I wonder some of the same things. Had to laugh at Faith wanting to play with her brothers, who slept in and promptly left. Story of our lives here too. Just remember, God gave our kids free will and that includes the freedom to make some not-so-wise choices. At least one of my children has proven that some people just need to learn from their own mistakes.

    "Where'd You Go, Bernadette" was not so terrific in book form. Very odd story.

    By now you have seen that doctor about your pain and I pray that a solution has been found. MemorareUP!

  6. I don't know anyone who got that flu shot that didn't get the flu.

    I will come take care of you...if you pay my way!! I make a great chicken noodle soup!! We can pray the rosary together...Oh, wait, I don't WANT you to get sick or anything!

    sorry about the fighting big kids...try a "no talking" dinner? Or we've been having every one think of thankful things and things they are praying for every supper time, it takes up time and turns that time into a positive. It works on adults, so it would work on teens and young adults too!

    Christine, when it's your time, it's your time, God knows best.

    Better I die than be a part of aborted babies being used for such things....

  7. Did you finish your shawl yet? I want one in that color and yarn now. It's beautiful!

    I don't get the flu shot, but I agree on building the immune system. Praying you don't get sick!


I appreciate your comments -- sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself!