Finding My Place

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Yesterday evening, I ran into the grocery store to buy some lunch sacks and juice boxes (today is the first day of the dreaded OGTs for my high school boy and he has to have a sack lunch that is all disposable). I was standing in the checkout line with two packages of juice boxes and my paper sacks when the lady in front of me motioned for me to go ahead of her. She said she had some "price check" items and since I had just a few things I should go ahead. I can't remember the last time someone let me go first. It was my first instinct to say, "No, that's o.k. I'll wait." But, Doug and the kids were waiting in the car, and so I went. I think I thanked her four times.

One bible verse that my children know by heart is Matthew 20:16 "He who is first shall be last and he who is last shall be first." Of course, it is usually shouted by the child served dessert last to the child who has been served first as a way of making himself feel better for his place. But they do understand the meaning -- always put yourself last and you will be first with God.

But one cannot always be last, just as one cannot always be first. If I am always last, then someone else cannot be last. There is humility, in my humble opinion (no pun intended), in both.

Several years ago I attended my first Holy Thursday Mass in recent memory (I'm sure I must have attended before, but had no recollection). It was such a beautiful Mass. Our beloved pastor chose six parishioners for whose feet he would wash. It was very moving to observe him going from person to person, performing such a personal task. When he was finished, he thanked the parishioners, and said that though it was something for him to wash another's feet it was something entirely different to have your feet washed by your pastor. There is humility in both.

But, the problem that I have is knowing my place. When am I to be first and when am I to be last? And I suppose the answer to that question is that it's not for me to decide. The humility in being first is when it will benefit another to allow me to be first. As a mother of four I am not often in that position. I am the director, the choreographer of the family and usually it is I telling my children in what place to be.

I think, though, that great value comes to children to see their parents come last. Not always -- I don't think it benefits children to see their parents as doormats on which they learn to walk. But, it does teach them humility to know that another person puts their needs first. How do they learn, except by example? This Lent I am making an (albeit sometimes feeble) attempt at always putting my children first. It gave me great comfort this morning to read in my Divine Intimacy meditation this morning that St. Therese also had trouble with this great virtue.

Divine Intimacy

Jesus has proved to us not only in words, but also by example, that He came not only to be ministered unto but to minister. This example He gave on the eve of His Passion as if to leave it to use as a testament, together with His last and more precarious instructions. Before instituting the Holy Eucharist, Jesus like a common slave, "began to was the feet of the disciples," and when He had finished, said, "I have given you an example, that as I have done to you, so you do also," for "the servant is not greater than his lord; neither is the apostle greater that He that sent him" (Jn 13:15-16). The instruction is clear: to be disciples of Jesus, we must first humble ourselves as he did. Note that here it is not only a question of humbling ourselves before God, but also before our neighbor.

Whenever Jesus speaks of our relations with our neighbor, he always insists that each of us should take the place of him who ministers, considering himself the servant of the others. When he showed them a little child as a model of perfection He said, "If any man desire to be first, he shall be the last of all, and the minister of all" (Mk 9:34).

If we hold some authority, we must remember that it has been given not to honor us, but for the service of others. If we are not elevated above the common level, we should no nothing to exalt ourselves to a prominent position.

"O Lord, when You were a pilgrim here below, You said, 'Learn of Me, for I am meek and humble of heart and you will find rest for your souls.' My soul finds its rest in seeing You, the powerful Monarch of the Heavens, clothed in the form and nature of a slave, humbling Yourself to wash the feet of Your Apostles. Then I recall the words You spoke to teach me how to practice humility: 'I have given you an example, that as I have done to you, so you do also...The servant is not greater than his lord...If you know these things, you shall be blessed if you do them' (Jn 13:15-17). With the help of Your grace, O Lord, I understand these words which came from Your gentle, humble heart; and with the help of Your grace I wish to put them into practice. I want to abase myself humbly and submit my will to others, not contradicting them nor asking if they have a right to give me orders. No one had this right over You and yet You were obedient, not only to the Blessed Virgin and St. Joseph, but even to Your executioners.

"O Lord, You could not humble Yourself any more in order to teach me humility. That is why I want to respond to Your love by putting myself in the lowest place and by sharing Your humiliations, so as to be able to share the kingdom of heaven with You hereafter. I beg You, divine Jesus, send me a humiliation every time I try to put myself above others. But Lord, You know my weakness; every morning I make a resolution to practice humility, and every evening I acknowledge that I still have many failures. I am tempted to be discouraged by this, but I know that discouragement also has its source in my pride. That is why I prefer to put my trust in You alone, O my God. Since You are all-powerful, deign to create in my soul the virtue for which I long" (St. Therese of the Child Jesus)

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