Saturday, April 26, 2014
Pulling back
Have you ever felt like you have put yourself out "there," wherever "there" may be, and then you realized "there" was too far? Maybe it was a little too far, or a lot too far.
I think, I know, I've been doing that a lot lately and it feels scary. I've put my heart out there, and a little too much of my husband's hard-earned wage, and I feel like I need to pull back. It's so hard to know if sticking your neck out, your heart out, your pocket book out there is a good thing or not. Do you know what I mean?
I have many friends who are possibly imaginary. People I feel close to and to whom I give pieces of my heart. When I really think about it, that is, frankly, scary. It sometimes makes me feel like a small girl whose best friend is make-believe, a character of her imagination..
Mostly I trust that the friends I make online are real, are lovely like-minded women in this hard journey, dragging our children, and our husbands, sometimes kicking and screaming, to heaven. I trust that they have their real faces on and are putting their hearts, and necks out there as much as I am, but then sometimes, like now, I think, "Whoa, this is weird. I am giving too much of myself away to people I don't know anything about, really."
I am pulling back, feeling the need to be in the moment, in the present, and real.
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Yes, I know what you mean! Praying for you, even though I'm one of those supposed Internet friends.
ReplyDeleteI was thinking how I really need to be more present with my family, and less looking for outside support.
A blessed Easter to you!
Jennifer, Wouldn't it just be lovely if we could have a big neighborhood -- a real neighborhood-- filled with all of our favorite online neighbors?
DeleteIt would! But even being close, it's the season of life(i.e. Health, homeschooling and children) that makes us be home. I rarely see my local friends! So that is the blessing of media....we can get some contact with the outside world.
DeleteI get it. I hear you Barbara. I could've written this post myself to my imaginary online friends. I've had to pull back from blogging and commenting mostly due to time and the needs of my family. I have found though that when I put myself out there or on here in the blogosphere too much that 'real' people and relationships were tough to find time for or connect with them. For my introverted personality, imaginary friends are perfect because they never see the real me and there's never awkward or strained conversation. I am still struggling with making real world connections with real people in order to push myself out of my comfort zone and be present to those who may actually need me.
ReplyDeleteI'll be pondering this post this week because you struck a chord in my heart. I'll be praying for you too.
Thank you, Sarah. And maybe this week I will write more about why I have become so dependent upon the online community.
DeleteThis is true for me more so on Facebook that's why I haven't gone back since abstaining during Lent. I have been pondering relationships over that time and gaining new insight into virtual relationships. Still pondering ;-) something to chat over a cup of tea?
ReplyDeleteA cup of tea with a real friend would be welcome. Let me know when the chaos dies down and you are free. :-)
DeleteI understand what you are saying, too. I can echo Sarah's comment above as well. And I like that idea of the real neighborhood ... Blessings to you on this Divine Mercy Sunday!
ReplyDeleteSarah, would you be my neighbor? (I just sang that Mister Rogers style, just so ya know ;-) )
DeleteI would be your neighbor in a second, Barbara!
DeleteI used to write almost everything on my blog, but my husband is a way way way more private person than I am, and of course since our lives are so intermingled I've had to change how I blog, and then I ended up making my blog private anyway.
ReplyDeleteBut I have found so much comfort, solace, encouragement, and inspiration from friends online, even if there isn't any actual two-way friendship happening. I still appreciate all these moms striving for holiness, dragging their families along, and recording it all along the way. I learn so much. I guess I often think of the blogs that I follow written by people who don't know me in the same way I think of a good autobiography. The people are real, their writings are real and it's all worthwhile, even if it isn't a total replacement for our in-real-life relationships.
Anyway, obviously us bloggy people think about blogs and blogging and blog friendships a lot!
Anne, I love how you look at blogs as autobiographies of sorts. I never looked at it that way, but it totally make sense. Keeping that in mind...thanks.
DeleteBlogging is a strange thing, isn't it? We worry about our children getting into all this social media and, yet, we share our whole lives on our blogs! I'm doing a lot of thinking myself. Lots of prayers for you while we both think!
ReplyDeleteSara, I have always poked fun at "friending" on FB and how 99% of my kids "friends" are people they have never met, and will never meet. Yet, I do the same thing. I always felt blogging was different because through blogging women share more than a tidbit about what is going on. Some share very deeply. But, for some reason, I am feeling doubt about authenticity. Nothing happened specifically, just several different "signs" that maybe it's time to back off for a while.
DeleteI am grateful I can call you a real friend. Wish you were my neighbor. ;-)
I feel like that all the time. But I keep showing up anyway, because these online friends are often more real than the real life ones. :-)
ReplyDeleteLots of to you. Hope you find a peaceful balance.
I can relate, too. It's why my blog was blank for about 6-8 months while we worked through some things here at home. Prayers to you!
ReplyDeleteI often feel like I put myself out there...and then I hear crickets. But I need you guys. I dont have many "Catholic" friends except for Jamie. I need to join the catholic book club or something. I love your blog and your life with older kids...because I am right behind you with all of those issues. Thanks for being real!
ReplyDeleteOh, my MOndays are so busy, this sat on my computer waiting for me to read all day yesterday!
ReplyDeleteI often wonder if I quit blogging, who would really care. I mean it would affect no one really. Everyone, because there are so many miles between us, would just go on.
It would affect me though. I need to do it, I need the contacts...even if only virtual. The thought of all these holy women I know online all having the same goal of heaven, well, it makes me really excited. (and not feel so alone)
I love you and hope you just take a break and realize that we do really care. (((((big hugs)))))
In all honesty, it is bloggers like you that make me want to NOT pack up my old, neglected blog permanently. I really hate that we've never been able to talk face to face, but I do consider you my friend. Life here has been . . . intense and I've had to pull back a great deal from my computer life. But I miss you! I don't have a deeply rooted faith community here - not with people who are all in for the Catholic church anyway. I think one of the greatest detriments of modern society is how far flung we are from one another. We used to be in villages and family units that were physically close-by, with loved ones on hand to help and support us when we need it (and vice versa).
ReplyDeleteI wish you could pop over here any day of the week for some tea and talk. Sigh . . .
I completely agree, Aimee. I remember the days, as a child in Cincinnati, when nine out of ten families in our neighborhood went to the same Catholic Church and if they weren't kids I went to school with it was grandma and grandpa living in those houses. Women were home hanging out the laundry or gardening, but when I go outside my house there is no one. The houses might as well not be there. It's so sad.
DeleteHave you ever considered being a mentor to the mothers of the younger homeschooling families. Wow, I remember when I started homeschooling how important the older homeschooling mother's advice and encouragement were to me. Also, their children became a beacon to my children. They had someone to look up to and could see future benefits in sticking with homeschooling. Reconsider :)
ReplyDeleteHave you ever considered being a mentor to the young homeschooling mothers? Wow, when I was started my homeschool journey, I so appreciated the wisdom from the older mothers. Their pre-teens and teens became beacons to my children. They had someone to look up to whenever our group would meet. Now I have older homeschooling teens and they love to mentor the younger ones. A true blessing. Reconsider:)
ReplyDelete