Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:6-7



Sunday, July 17, 2011

Dear Friends,

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Your kindness is a balm for my sore heart today. I so very much appreciate your kind thoughts, your prayers, and mostly, your understanding. All parents are scrutinized by others in some way, at some time. It might be a stranger in the grocery store, or one's own mother, sister-in-law, next door neighbor. We all have expectations of how children should be raised, and some people choose to be verbal about their criticism.

I do not impose my standards are others and maybe that's wrong. I would step into a situation in which a child, or someone else, was harmed or in danger. Other than that I try to let people make their own decisions and live with the results. We can't protect each other from our own free will.


To my reader, Anna: I don't know if you are a regular reader here, and if you are not then you don't know my family or my children. I thought I made myself clear in my post yesterday that I was not, at all, giving my son a pass on his behavior. He did behave inappropriately for his age at Mass. I should not have to redirect a teenager who has been to Mass every Sunday of his life and daily Mass very often. I don't excuse his behavior by saying he is a teen, but it does make it more understandable. This is my third teen and I agree with many medical experts who say teens behave more like toddlers than young adults. Frankly, sometimes, they act like their brains are scrambled. I don't understand it, but I do acknowledge it. That doesn't mean I stand by and let him be rude, or obnoxious. I correct, and I correct, and I correct again.

We all take baggage to Mass (and the grocery store and to work) in one way or another. We all have situations that no one else knows about. I may have medical problems, you may have just lost a loved one. We can't know another's anguish, but our own anguish is not excuse to be indecent to each other.

With the exception of a grandparent, and possibly a teacher, my children have never been corrected by any one else -- that's just the way our personal environment is. Frankly, our neighbors don't care about our children, to correct them or to love them. Noah has been homeschooled since first grade and there are not many circumstances which put him under direct authority of another adult. Believe me, he was shocked by the incident in church. He was shocked to learn that his behavior was noticed by another person. He is a painfully shy boy and always tries to avoid bring attention to himself. Yesterday he learned he does not live in a bubble, and I am fine with that. I am completely o.k. with him learning that his behavior has consequences. Had the incident happened in any of a dozen other ways, I would even be grateful. But it was done with malice, with intent to hurt.

The woman who thumped him on the back and told him he behaved worse than a six-year-old said it with hate, she said it to hurt. She clearly had something else going on in her life, but, you see, she didn't share that with us. She only shared her anger and her distaste for another human being. I am a very sympathetic person, as is my husband, and I hope, my children. I would gladly take her hatred if I could somehow help her by doing it, but I don't think any one was helped by this situation.

She was looking for a distraction if she noticed my son's behavior. He wasn't goofing or horsing around. His eyes wandered more than a few times and he was caught whispering with his brother. He wasn't doing anything that required an apology. This morning he told me that when he stood up to go to Holy Communion she hissed at him,"Grow up!" Maybe because he is 6 feet and 200 pounds she thought he was older than he was. Maybe she judged. I can't say what she was thinking because she didn't share that with us. She just wanted to unload on someone, and for that she has my prayers.

When I go to Mass I also go to recharge. Yesterday someone robbed me of that and I was hurt. But, we are called to forgive, which ironically is what Father's homily was about yesterday.


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16 comments:

  1. I really do not have much to add to the conversation from your last post. All great comments.

    Like others said, this is a good learning experience for your son on how to handle others who act that way. My MIL is very "old school" and thinks babies should be potty trained by 9 mo.....never ever sleep in the same bed...ya know that kind of stuff. I tend to let the little stinkers get away with whatever they want.

    I have been distracted by others at Mass...but never ever had the gumption to say anything. It is the handheld Gameboy thingamajigs that really drive me crazy.

    I was a teen once. I had the giggles more than I can count. I probaly could have used a bonk myself!

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  2. Hi Barbara,
    I applaude your post to Anna. Found what she said quite inappropriate.
    I'm sorry this happened to you, but it sounds as if you and your husband handled it perfectly. That woman had no right to touch your son.
    As an end to this post, I'd like to share about a tragedy that happened here in Burlington, VT last week: a 12-year-old boy went on a swimming outing with his best friend and the best friend's parents. He drowned at the swimming spot. He was, from all accounts, a very bright, talented, sensitive boy. He also was his parents' only child.
    The parents, who aren't Catholic, said they are at peace with the incident, and believe Bentley is in Heaven.
    Sorry for the long post, but we never know when our children or our spouse leave if this might be the last time we see them.
    I'll pray for the woman who thumped your son and for Anna. From her post, it sounds as if she brought a lot of her own ghosts to the comment board.
    Keep up the good work, Barbara. It'll pay off in the long run. This is from a mom of four-three of whom are teens.
    Love and prayers,
    Gail

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  3. Wow, I see I missed a lot in the last 24 hours! That's the kind of incident that would make me sick to my stomach and angry at the same time. I don't see how it could be wrong for Noah to apologize though. Not that she deserved it, or that he was being all that bad, simply because he distracted her. "I'm sorry if I distracted you." seems like something that might appease her. Having said that, I wouldn't necessarily seek her out to do so. Maybe, maybe not; you'd know better than I, but it's good to have such a response handy---it would have been useful at the time. I'd put it in the same category as inadvertently bumping into someone. My kids get all bent out of shape when someone bumps them, and I'm constantly reminding them that it doesn't cost anything to say a simple "excuse me" and it makes the other person feel so much better.

    I'm really glad that Doug spoke up. She really was out of line to behave the way she did and to "thump" your child was completely uncalled for!

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  4. I don't know. Perhaps I'd have coloured red in the face and then said something like, "YOU sanctify me, thank you!!" As if her actions weren't a terrible distraction. Look, it's got a hold on you even now. I feel for you, I really do.

    I think I'd even might have said, "Would you like me to have you arrested for physically accosting my son? Or, would you like me to thump your arse back?" I don't know. I'm so German, Dutch, Irish, Finish, Swedish, and Norwegian angry, I confuse myself. I act before I think.

    You handled it much better than I would have. Praying for grace? yes, that's you, you beautiful woman.

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  5. I think that you and your husband handled the situation very well. I have a painfully shy 14 year old son as well, and if this were to happen I think that I would use it to teach him to pray for someone like this. She cannot have peace within her to act in such an unloving manner. We all have our own troubles, but we are called to be charitable nonetheless.

    I'm sorry this happened to your son - I'll pray for him, and the woman, also. Thank you for your openness in sharing this incident.

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  6. Christine,
    By and large the kids at our parish are well-behaved -- I've never seen Gameboys at Church! Of course there don't seem to be a lot of kids. Our biggest issue, I think, is short skirts and bare shoulders (which I, fortunately, don't have any of). We sit near the front, which I guess makes us targets. Maybe we should cower in the back! ;-)

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  7. Thank you for your prayers, Gail. You are right -- life is short. We never know when ours will turn on a dime. Which is why we should be charitable every moment of every day!

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  8. Sara,
    I wish I could have thought so fast. Frankly I just wanted to get away from the situation. This woman's anger was palpable. It wouldn't hurt for Noah to apologize but if I told him he had to apologize the next time we see her, he would never want to go to Mass again -- that's how shy he is. I don't want to ruin Mass for him. I know he won't ever forget this incident, which I guess is a learning lesson all by itself. And I guess we will do the woman the favor of never sitting in front of her again -- not that we normally see her at Mass since we almost never go on Saturday evening.

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  9. Sarah,
    You are such a quick wit I know you would have said something smart whereas I stood with my gob ajar! I was in total shock -- she caught me completely unaware. Here I was trying to pray all through Mass -- oh yeah, that's what we are supposed to do! Like I said, Satan follows all of us into Mass and sits on our shoulders, we just have to resist him!

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  10. Mary,
    We did talk about praying for the woman, but also praying for Jesus to soften our own hearts in forgiveness. I feel badly that she was obviously so distracted by watching my son's every move that she couldn't have gotten a thing out of Mass. So sad.

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  11. Just another take. Although they should have been doing it without distracting others, how nice is it that your boys were finding joy in a little one? So often teenagers are so involved in themselves, they don't bother, nor care, to see those around them.
    Perchance that is what this woman should have focused on. Instead of discussing what they were going to do upon being "sprung" from mass, they were enjoying a gift from God. That would have warmed my heart!

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  12. I like what Kristina said here. Those wee ones snag my attention something fierce during Mass. It's not their fault they reflect HIM so well!!! ;)

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  13. Oh Barbara, I'm so sorry that happened to you.
    I think the hardest part is leaving it behind and moving forward and not allowing it to ruin your day (or week). It's easy to dwell on those moments and let them continue to bother us. So, I'll pray that you have a week filled with grace and moments that remind you of the joys in your life!
    Makes me think, too, of the verse that I'm committing to memory. I'll just tell you the "address" so you can look it up! Isaiah 30:15, sounds like a good one for the poor soul who felt the need to accost your son.

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  14. Something similar happened to me with my 18mo son - different yes, but I was greeted with a warning upon entering the church. Part of me wanted to turn around and leave, but we didn't. After being SOOO very excited to attend Mass at this particular church (we were visiting Chicago), I have to admit I was distracted the whole Mass with worry about keeping my son quiet and unobtrusive... he was very good. Better than he'd have been at home, but that didn't dissuade the lady from shushing him in the communion line! I was shocked, but her behavior was seen by many. The additional irony was the gospel reading and homily were related to the Good Samaritan!!

    In the end, all you can do is pray ...an maybe light a candle for her, too. That could be the reason this happened. Peace to you and your son in working through the emotions of the encounter.

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  15. Barbara~
    This type of incident would leave me wincing for weeks. I am a very sensitive soul.
    I'm so sorry you all had to go through it. Obviously, this woman (and Anna) have a ton of baggage. It's really too bad when it comes out so maliciously. That you have to deal with and deflect it away from your heart...
    Prayers for you, my friend!

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  16. I like Sarah and Kristina's take on this! Yes, definitely we should be reverent, but ya' know...if she really didn't want to be distracted - she wouldn't have been. She could have lowered her eyes and listened which is what I do when I find myself having a hard time focusing. Me thinks she is blaming others for the inability to pay attention herself! But....that's the German, Italian, Amish, Dutch hot tempered part of me instead of the calm, quiet and forgiving Carmelite I'm trying to be:-) LOL It's a long and winding road sometimes:-)

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I appreciate your comments -- sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself!