Just Chewing on It

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On Saturday my two brothers and their families came for dinner, along with my mom. My mom had some "business" she wanted to take care of, so she brought that along, too. That business was a new will, and some power of attorney papers. She wasn't writing anyone out of her will or anything so dramatic, just updating and taking care of some other issues which she felt she needed to get in place -- most importantly who would make decisions for her if she became to ill to make them herself. Fortunately my mother is perfectly healthy, so these are just precautionary at this point.

She and I read through the language of the "covenant" which made me responsible for making medical decisions on my mother's behalf. There's a lovely document to be sure. Do we want to remove "artificially and technologically supplied nutrition or hydration" in the event of terminal illness? Do we want to administer drugs that will not contribute to her well-being? The implications are as plain as day, and this is a standard medical power of attorney. It's no wonder so many people are dying unnatural deaths at the hands of their family members -- it's just too easy.

Our society has been sliding down this slippery slope since before Roe v. Wade, many years ago. We, as a society, have lost sight of Who our lives belong to. We think we can turn out the lights when our lives or someone else's life becomes inconvenient to us, and that's just where he-who-won't-be-named wants us to go.

The other day Doug and I were driving out of our neighborhood and I noticed a frail, little, elderly lady sweeping the front steps of a home up the street. It was a nice home -- a big home -- and it was fairly clear that she doesn't live there alone. She was either visiting or permanently staying with someone else. How often do you see that anymore? There are no old people in neighborhoods anymore. They've all been moved to the "assisted living" villages, or "skilled nursing" facilities. When mom or dad have medical problems that prevent them from living alone, or with each other, families get together and "find a facility" that can handle their problems. It's too inconvenient to deal with personally. It's much easier to let someone else -- professionals -- take care of it, even if it means getting another job or a second mortgage to do that. No one seems to consider making the sacrifice of leaving a career or making financial concessions to bring mom or dad to live with them.

How very sad that our parents and grandparents, at a time in their lives when they need the same care that they gave when we were young, become inconvenient and disposable. They become people who we would give one hour of visiting time to on Sunday afternoon, instead of bringing them into the heart of our home and giving them a reason to live. How did that become the norm, and when?

I have always joked with my mom that some day she'll be with me and I'll put her and my in-laws in one big bed like grandpa Joe and the gang in Willy Wonka. And though we joke about it, she knows that when she becomes too frail or just to old to care for herself that she will come to live with me. The same goes for Doug's parents. How often, I wonder, do elderly people give up on life because they've been parked in a facility with no purpose to their days?

Now, before someone gets angry at me, I'm not saying that assisted living facilities have no place. There are circumstances in which they become necessary, and I would never say "never" to the possibility of needing one at some point. But, I believe, by and large, these facilities are being used as an alternative to sacrifice on the part of families who have no use for a loved one who has begun to fail to function fully.

We, as a society, have failed to see the gifts that those who are inconvenient can offer us -- even if it is the gift of caring for someone in their final days. My sister-in-law and I were talking about this subject the other night after my mom and I went over the papers. She lost her father to cancer several years ago and when he died, he spent his last days at home, with his wife and children. She said that she considered the days that he spent before his death, with friends and family, to be a great gift. And if you think about it, what a memory it would be to look back and know that you made someone's last days on earth more pleasurable.

As my post yesterday mentioned, our greatest fear, as humans, is suffering. I believe that most people fear suffering, whether our own or that of our loved ones. I personally know several people who have said, of watching their loved one suffer with a terminal illness, "I can't do this anymore." Do we have a choice? Really?

Why the deep subject today? I don't know. Like the title says, I'm just chewing on it. I like to think that I have my course of action all figured out. Of course, I've never been faced with the prospect of bringing my loved one home to die, or taking care of a parent with years of a healthy body and unhealthy mind ahead. We, as human beings, so often want to take the easy way out. We want to do the fun stuff, not the hard stuff. But, nothing worth doing is ever easy. And the path to heaven is not an easy one.

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