Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:6-7



Thursday, June 09, 2016

Dear Dear




I've had a difficult time jumping back into blogging. Maybe you noticed. Maybe you're not there any longer.

May for Mary gave me a chance to blog without saying anything, which made it harder to jump back in.

So, yesterday, having had one of the crappiest days I've had since February 18, I decided to write a letter, to Dear, whomever Dear may be. I hope it's you, but even if it isn't, maybe some part of me will benefit from writing to Dear.

Life, Dear, has not been good, at least not in the way I have known life all my life. It's been hard, and each day I would like to disappear into myself a little more.

We had Faith's Confirmation on May 20 and family came to town, so that was a little distracting. Then  came Memorial Day which also was my mom's birthday, and that was distracting. Then we had two weeks of dress rehearsals and dance recitals and I was a backstage mom, so that was distracting. This week Faith is taking summer gym, which means she is gone all day, and while I have plenty of things I need to do, which could be distracting, there is too much quiet, and so I think.

Some people would likely be glad to have my life, bumps in the road and all. But I'm having a hard time adjusting to the hairpin turn we are making.

Since I last wrote nothing has changed. No job. Not even an interview. It's hard to believe a man can build his career for 30 years and then, well, nothing. It seems his field has been taken over by women, and, at the risk of sounding misogynistic, women in the field of fundraising (and probably many more) don't want to hire men, or at least men who have more experience than they. Every hope so far has been dashed by a woman who either doesn't want men in her department, or is intimidated by a man with so many contacts and so much experience in his field. I've always believed that to be good at what you do, you surround yourself with good people, but that's apparently not the case today.

There are a few "hopes' on the horizon, although they are very slow-moving and they are not in Columbus, but close enough to make a three-hour round trip commute each day. I'm hoping that one of these opportunities works out, even if it means my husband lives away during the week, or spends 15 hours each week driving to work and back, because at least we'll have income and medical insurance.

I have said I will pack up and move. I have said I will (gladly) downsize. My husband wants neither. It's difficult to know when to push. The lease on the car the boys used was up June 1, so we were down to my car and his truck with three drivers. Yesterday, he went and sold his truck, so, we're down to one car. It is going to prove interesting at the least. We have to keep a calendar so we don't double book ourselves.

I am looking for a job. I had hoped that once Faith was in school, I would be able to increase my stock in my shop, and sell locally through an art market, but we can't wait that long. Then I had hoped to get some freelance copyediting work, but I don't think that will happen quickly enough. So, I may just end up working for a temp agency or taking any reasonable job I can find. Being out of the field for 14 years has me pretty much starting over.

Doug is still planning on Faith attending Catholic high school in the fall, which I think is being very optimistic. There are no scholarships, as they have all been dolled out. Unless she finds herself a fairy Godmother, I'm pretty sure we're living in fairy land ourselves thinking we can pay tuition. Severance runs out this month. After June 24, we'll be on unemployment, something I never thought I'd say, and we'll have to find affordable medical insurance. Yesterday we met with our financial adviser, who handles our retirement, and he recommended connecting with the local food pantry. Since February 18, we have fallen pretty far.

Some days I cry. Yesterday was one of those days, especially, after I slammed my thumb in the car door -- the cherry on top of my crap day. Some days I just figure this is where God wants me, on a dung heap of sorts. I trust in Him. I believe He knows right where we are meant to be, but like all people suffering, even in their little way, it's hard to believe God wants that. It's the "it's going to get worse before it gets better" part that is hard to live with. I can do without, I'm my grandmother's granddaughter -- a woman who had no more than three rooms in her entire life, even with six children. I am content with little, but I am not driving this car, and frequently the driver doesn't listen to my directions.

What am I to do, Dear?



27 comments:

  1. I've never been in your situation yet, but I can relate to how hard it can be when the two people guiding the situation have different ideas of how to go about that. It can be exhausting! I'm hopeful that you'll find a job for yourself that will be a good fit. I'm still here, praying for you all!!

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  2. I will pray. And, although I am states away in ND, I will keep my eyes & ears open on that type of job. There have been a few recently.

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  3. Barbara, your heartfelt letter is a cry to Our Lord and I prayer you receive the answers and strength you need. I wish I could make it all go away, I so sorry for what you're going through and my prayers continue. HUGS.

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    1. Thank you so much, Allison. From your mouth to God's ear. :-)

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  4. I can't even imagine how hard it must be and even though you don't have a clue as to who I am please know I think about you nearly everyday and I do send up a prayer for you everyday also. Jill

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    1. Jill, because you are praying for me means I do know you -- through God. Thank you so much for your kind words and prayers. They mean so much.

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    1. Thank you, Michelle -- and working on your projects certainly helps pass the time -- be finished soon.

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  6. You are being prayed for daily over here in Germany my friend. Sending my love and hugs.

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    1. Thank you, Jenny. I know you're praying and it gives me comfort.

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  7. First, prayers for you. My husband spends about 11 - 12 hours of his work week in a car commuting on a highway at speeds of 15 mph so we can live in a tiny old house and not a tiny old apartment. Fun times. Don't look at being on unemployment as bad. It's only bad if you abuse it. Your kids are old enough to help out financially and I'm sure they are. We are shouldering the burdens of others when we suffer. You will find a way soon and as this is the month of the Sacred Heart, I pray He comforts you.

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    1. I don't feel guilty about unemployment, just still kind of stunned that that's where we are (we've been married 30 years and have never been unemployed). Plus, it barely covers the house payment, so gotta work out the rest. My kids are, unfortunately, not helping. The two oldest live on their own (one is married) and have mountains of student loan debt. The youngest boy has been looking for a job,but now that we're down to one car, that will make life that much more complicated. He will be helping where he can. I have my Sacred Heart candle burning right now, and His picture over the mantel.

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  8. Paying for you and your family! <3

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  9. Dear Barbara, I'm so sorry that you (and your family) are having to deal with this. I wish I could take it away. As Allison wrote, I hope you do receive the answers you need and soon. Keeping you in my prayers and sending a big hug to you!

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  10. Praying for you, dear Barbara! I feel so badly for you. Waiting is the hard part. Things will get better! Keep your chin up..it's the month of the Sacred Heart of Jesus. Lean on His Heart.
    Love,
    Gwen

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    1. Thank you, Gwen. I wish I could be as optimistic as you are.

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  11. I'm so sorry there isn't any good news! I kept hoping and praying through the Month of Mary. I agree that anyone living at home should be helping---sometimes it's easier for the young ones to find jobs. If Doug refuses to move, he has to find a way to keep the mortgage paid and the lights on, and that means taking a job below your station. Our periods of "unemployment" have been comparatively easy, and it was still really hard. We struggled with trying to decipher what God was teaching us, and then really tried to abandon ourselves to His will. Love you!

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    1. Noah is trying to find a job, but we are no where near a bus line, so managing transportation is going to be hard, especially if I find a job. I also agree about taking a "lesser" job, hence the disagreement with "the driver."

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  12. Dear Barbara,
    Keeping you close in prayer. We are in our mid 50's and know how difficult it is for one to find employment at that age. Unless one has gone through it, no one knows how frightening and lonely it can be. I will keep praying for you and hope for good news on your end soon. Pray for our country, it certainly is messed up.

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  13. Barbara,
    I am so sorry to hear that things haven't gotten any better. We are living in scary times. Our world, country, and communities are in trouble. God is the answer. I know that He will take care of you and your family. I was once left with only $2.00 to my name. It took many years of hard work, but with the help of God, who used my family, I pulled myself up. I will be praying for you at chapel today. God bless.

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  14. Feeling your pain and praying daily for you! Some days you just don't know how you make it through? You are surely suffering with Christ now and you will receive you reward one day!

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I appreciate your comments -- sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself!