Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:6-7

Tuesday, August 06, 2013

Please, may I just be a hermit?

Today has been an average day for me, laundry, ironing, some sewing, working a little outdoors. While I was ironing early this afternoon my heart started racing, alternating with pounding. I always think I am probably going to have a heart attack when that happens (my father died of a heart attack at 42), which it rarely does, and I think that's probably normal (to think you're having a heart attack when your heart is pounding for no apparent reason). I fixed a nice glass of iced green tea and thought I would just sit and sew for a while and that the feeling would go away.

Faith starting her day -- late morning

It did not after a half hour or so, and so I decided I might as well do some laundry and move the sprinklers and continue with my day because if I'm going to have a heart attack I might as well get a little more work done. I was reminded of a part of Cranford (the book) where Miss Mattie starts burning letters that she has saved for years and years because she doesn't want others to go through them if she dies. Because I am currently listening to the book, and just listened to that part yesterday, I started thinking I should clean out the drawers in the bedroom (not that I have any great letters or anything great period) just in case I die and someone goes through my stuff and thinks either "Gosh, she was a slob" or "Gosh this is some real junk she saved."

(As an aside, I don't think I have ever read a book that was so very different from the "film" (mini-series). I have watched the mini-series several times, and I love it, but it's almost as though the screenwriters wrote the mini-series completely opposite from the book.)

The odd thing is, yesterday I went to the physical therapist (my first real visit after the assessment) and the therapist gave me an ultrasound treatment (heat) and then a deep tissue massage in the lumbar region of my back. She massaged an area about 12 inches by the width of my body, and it hurt like mad -- barely tolerable (and she didn't seem to be surprised by my complaints that it hurt, nor did she alter her method, so I am guessing it was supposed to hurt like mad). She pushed and pushed on the tight muscles, and then she pulled like as if she was stretching the muscles out -- I felt like taffy.

can you please just leave me alone?

Remarkably my back doesn't hurt too badly today, but I had a headache when I left her office yesterday, and it has persisted since (which isn't entirely unusual but it's usually related to the weather which is clear), and I have had urinary pain all day (TMI?) which is not entirely unusual for me, but then this heart thing and it makes me wonder if they are not all somehow related to the 20-minute intense massage on my back. Ever had a deep tissue massage?

Of course, they could all also be related to moving my second son out of the house and into an apartment in three days. Making lists and packing (yes, he should be doing it, but he works all day) and worrying, and washing, and worrying some more, is a little stressful. (I often wonder what I would do if I had a real job because I think my head would explode if I had to add the stress of a job to the stress of managing our home life). By the way, if you need a list for college you can try mine as a starting place.

Which brings me to the title of my blog post. Please, may I just be a hermit? I sometimes wonder if the anxiety I get sometimes (ok, a lot lately) isn't a little bit of agoraphobia, if one can have a little bit of such a thing. If I could just stay home and have all my people stay home (of course then they would just fight more), I sometimes think I would be stress-free, and feel better over all. Or, it may be, since the other scenario is really not possible, I need to be like the hermit saints and go off and find a cave and just live alone, and spend my days in prayer.

I said PLEASE!

I tell ya, it doesn't sound half bad except I am hopeless at making a fire from nothing. Could I be a hermit who gets deliveries of provisions?

I have a date with a girlfriend for dinner tonight, and I half thought about canceling so I wouldn't have a heart attack in public, but I think I just might need a night away from my most beloveds.

My husband, smirking at me. Don't let him fool you, that's not a smile, that's a "you are leaving to go out to dinner and I am on my own with these yayhoos" smirk. And there are only two of them home tonight.


  1. Oh, to be a cat! Curled up in a sunny windowsill.

    Never had a deep tissue massage, but I sometimes get headaches after chiro. The heart thing? Panic attack/anxiety is my guess.

    Call me heartless, but a grown boy can take care of his stuff and will take the time off work if his mom isn't going to do everything for him! I admire your German work-ethic and the way you take care of your family, but they find the time to do so much more, if you let them.

  2. Just started watching the miniseries, Cranford. I have just finished watching Lark Rise to Candleford and I so enjoyed that one! Loving these British period dramas.

  3. Hope you're feeling better and that you enjoy your evening.

  4. Oh, Barbara, I prayed Hail Mary's while I read this!! (I know, I"m talented that way) I will continue to pray for you. I think the same thing, if I die, people will learn that my floors are filthy. (OK, they already know that one.)

    Try to kneel down and just give it all to God. I know you know this already but maybe you needed reminding?

  5. Hermit-hood, yes. I'll come and be a hermit with you. Except I guess that defeats the purpose of being a hermit, huh? So maybe what we are looking at is living in community - like a cloister, except I would probably fail a vow of silence. ;-)

  6. There are days (weeks) when hermithood sounds perfect! Prayers for that heart of yours to just calm down a little bit. :)

  7. Man,oh,man..I sure hope you are feeling better.

    when the ticker does some flipping and a flopping, I get all nervous too thinking the good Lord is calling me home.

    I have very messy drawers. I think most people have messy lives. Who wants to live like a neat-freak??

    I couldnt work right now either. I would have a melt-down every day. So much to do just to maintain.

    hope you had a good time out!

  8. ps. in my next life I wanna be a putty-tat!!! what a life!

  9. Praying that you feel better, healed of all your afflictions. Chronic pain causes all kinds of emotional rides. I'm recovering from my second hip replacement and wondering if God has called me to live a hermit's life.

  10. Oh my goodness, this is so me. You could be writing about ME! I have been going through the same thing. Just me and my bubble. That is all I want. But then I feel sorry for my kids... lol. Sending you prayers. I know how you feel, and I am there with you.

  11. Prayers for you. I've been suffering from all kinds of weird stuff the past few years . . . I don't know if I should keep blaming the VOG (volcanic fog) of HI or just own up to the fact I'm in early stages of menopause. My mum went early and so is my sister (she's only 2.5 years older than me and her weirdness started about age 43 but she also has Hashimoto's thyroid with low iron and high blood pressure). I've no conditions that warrant my freaking out but my BRAIN goes wonky and I start thinking I'm dying. When I start thinking like that or believing I'm going mad, I simply sit down and start assessing. And, pray.

    Hugs to you!


I appreciate your comments -- sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself!