Have no anxiety at all, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, make your requests known to God. Then the peace of God that surpasses all understanding will guard your hearts and minds in Christ Jesus.
Phil 4:6-7



Monday, February 09, 2015

{2/9}...streaming






If we could have a cup of tea together today, I just know I would feel better. I need to talk. As it is, my brain is going over the speed limit and my anxiety is through the roof. Thoughts about my health have me feeling rather...lame, in a literal sense.

Faith asked me the other day why my hands were shaking and I just told her they always shake. Well, they do...lately. My grandmother's hands shook (my father's mother) and I always thought it was just an old people thing. Well, now that I'm not a child, or even a youngster, I realize she died at a fairly young age -- in her mid-60s (the older one gets, the younger one's elders appear). Especially when I compare that to my mother's mother, who died at 97, mid-60s seems young. My poor father, as I've told you, got his call at age 42. I don't know whether to feel old or young based on all those numbers. Will I be like my father's family, or my mother's?



photo by Noah


I have been doing some online research lately about the blood work I've had done through the endocrinologist, and I also had a little scare from my anti-coagulation pharmacist, both of which have had me thinking about...well, death. I know better than to borrow trouble on this topic, because I know from living that we can't know when our time will come, and as long as we live as God wills us, it should make no difference.

"For if we live, we live for the Lord, and if we die, we die for the Lord; so then, whether we live or die, we are the Lord’s." Romans 14:8

But, the thing about living with chronic illness, or pain, or any ailment that keeps one from living life "normally," is that on one hand, my ailments are not terminal, and I should be (and am) grateful, but, on the other hand, they keep me from doing all the things I'd like to do to fully live.


"Yet he knows my way; if he tested me, I should come forth like gold." Job 23: 10

The scare with the anti-coagulation pharmacist was a perfect example. It's funny... but, not. I go to an anti-coagulation clinic at least once a month. I have to have my INR checked because I take warfarin to prevent blood clots. I clot. I don't know why -- I'm one of 75% of people on blood thinners for clots who don't know why we clot, we just do. I have had four clotting episodes, one postpartum (not abnormal), one superficial but not prompted (abnormal), a very severe superficial clotting incident in two veins post-abdominal surgery (not abnormal, but not normally so severe either) and one DVT completely unprompted (abnormal). My brother had a DVT and my uncle had a pulmonary embolism -- clearly there's something unidentifiable about our genetic makeup that creates clots in some of us. 

Anyway, I go to the clinic every four weeks, or more often if my numbers are not ideal. Every time I go, they ask a series of questions regarding falls, abnormal bruising or accidents. Last week I went and when asked about accidents, I showed the pharmacist where Faith had accidentally slammed my hand in the door. It had bruised, gone from purple to green and was back to normal, but I still had a little pillow of fluid in the top of my hand where the blood had accumulated -- it had been a couple weeks since the accident. I also told her that Faith had also accidentally closed the hatch of my car on my head. It hadn't bled, but because the bump was under my hair (and on top of my head) I really couldn't tell if it bruised. The pharmacist got a very serious expression on her face, and she said, "If that ever happens again you need to go to the ER."  I responded, "I didn't feel faint -- I didn't feel anything at all, except pain." And she responded that by the time I had symptoms it would be too late. I could have had an intracranial bleed and died. Makes me feel a bit like a ticking time bomb. We joked at home about mom wearing a helmet. 

That issue, paired with feeling just plain old, and shaky, and the blood work results from the endocrinologist makes me feel rather unsettled.

I guess I just told you what's going on in my head because I knew you'd tell me not to worry. It serves no purpose, right?


Can any of you by worrying add a single moment to your life-span? Matthew 6:27



photo by Noah




16 comments:

  1. I guess the challenge here is that you can (and will) "fully live" in spite of your physical limitations.
    I'm a worrier myself so I won't tell you not to do what I can't not do. But I will pray for not only relief of your pain, but peace for your heart.

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  2. I read your post a bit earlier and then heard this on the way home (Peter Kreeft CD) and thought immediately of you:
    "We know that in everything God works for good with those who love him, who are called according to his purpose." (Romans 8:28)
    I think the unknown and loss of control that comes with illness can be one of the most difficult things to overcome. God is in control (I know you know that :) but we all can use reminders now and then.
    Praying for your health and peace.

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    1. I harken back to a saying my mother used a lot, "God helps those who help themselves." With illness, it's so hard to know when one should keep looking for answers or learn to live with the disability." I try to look for signs, open windows if you will, and see God's will.
      Thanks so much for your prayers.

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  3. Barbara, I am adding your name to my prayer list. I pray you have better days ahead. Let our Father in heaven give you peace.

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    1. Thanks, Julie. I try. It's a daily struggle. I give it to God, and then I take it back. Playing tug of war with God is never a good thing. ;-)

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  4. It sounds like you're stuck between a rock and a hard place---blood clots can kill you, and so can the blood thinners. That's difficult to live with. Like your other friends ^, I'll be praying for you. I have my issues that worry me, and I just remember that it could be anything, at any time, and all we can do is keep doing God's will in the moment. xo

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    1. This entire thought process started the other day when I told my mother I was thinking about going off coumadin. She reminded me (like I really needed reminding) that a blood clot could kill me, and though the blood thinners can also kill me, at least I have a chance with the blood thinners (barring car accidents and the like). I guess it's just a good reason to stay in God's good graces always. ;-)
      Thanks for your prayers -- they are so appreciated.

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  5. Peace and prayers for you! A cup of tea and a chat would be lovely!
    I wonder if things like chronic illness are gifts that cause us to rely totally on Him, trusting that He loves us most and offers us a path that leads us to eternity. Illness is often beyond our control! We wouldn't choose those paths on our own ...would we?
    Hugs!

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    1. Oh, Carolyn, if I could just hop on a jet I'd be to the northeast to see you in a heartbeat. I have so many virtual friends that I need to have as real friends. I do think real time with friends would help me.
      I do believe God allows hardships, so we can grow more in love with Him! (No atheists in foxholes!)

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  6. I think a cup of tea in Germany is just what you need! Faith needs a field trip, I can tell. ;)

    You continue to be in my daily intentions for health and peace of mind.

    After confirming this week that whatever is going on with me is not my kidneys, I am back to square one. Not that I wanted something to be wrong with my kidneys. I just wanted them to be able to say "This is what is wrong. And this will fix it."

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    1. Ah, Jenny. Ditto what I said to Carolyn. But to see Germany, too? What a treat that would be. I've said for several years now that I'd like to go to Europe for several months with Faith. Hop on a train and see a new place every week! If only these people at home didn't need me...

      I know just what you mean -- I don't want a serious illness either. I just want to know what's wrong so I can try and fix it. My uro/gyn told me the other day that she feels a lot of people fly just under the radar of diagnosis -- of auto immune illnesses, endocrine issues, etc. if the symptoms aren't textbook, or glaring, or even if your doctor hasn't seen it before, you go undiagnosed. It's so frustrating. I never really thought about the "practice" of medicine until recently. It seems doctors practice a lot. Makes me want to go to the oldest doctor I can find.

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  7. I wanted to come by yesterday to comment, but couldn't get to a computer! Sorry for coming "late". :-(

    A lot of times, we can't help worrying. I remember when the children were quite young, I read several stories about children whose mothers had died in the home, and in each case, the child did not know what to do. They continued on as best they could, all by themselves, eating whatever was in the house, getting themselves to school, if they were old enough, and living with a rotting corpse for as long as two weeks before some adult figured it out. David was so often not home, and I always wondered and worried what would happen to my girls if something happened to me. Who would know? Who would find them and take care of them? And how would their lives change if I was gone? I don't care at all about dying for my own sake, but very much for theirs. Even now.

    You still have a young daughter in the home. Your children are beginning to marry and start their own families. You want to be there for all this and for the grandchildren that will come. It's natural to worry.

    I'm grateful now that the girls are old enough that they'd be able to manage if something did happen to me, and I also have a hefty life insurance policy that'll mean they can continue to homeschool if they want. :-)

    We've been studying Isaiah here, and he repeatedly cautions Israel to turn to God, to wait for God, and not to take matters into their own hands. I wondered how we reconcile this with that saying you quoted above, "God helps those who help themselves." It came down to prayer and work. Pray before you begin. Pray while you work. Pray when you've done everything you can. Pray, pray, pray. I was thinking today, too, of how Jesus often performed his miracles just by saying it was so. He didn't require any work on the part of supplicants at all - just faith. And they expressed that faith just by coming to him. They believed he could cure illness, they believed he could resurrect the dead, and so they came, and because they came, he healed. And often, he affected a miracle on the faith of someone else entirely! So obviously, he does not need us to do anything. I guess that saying isn't worth much after all, except to give ourselves an illusion of control. :-)

    Enough rambling? Lots of love, Barbara, and I'll be praying for you. Pray for me, too?

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    1. Jennie, you remind me of my mother. I can always count on her to give it to me straight. I do love a straight shooter. ;-)
      I feel the same way about dying -- I'm not afraid to die. I would be, however, very sad that Faith had to make it through some trying years without a mother (if I died any time soon). And part of my fear is that I AM alone with her all day. My brothers dealt with my father's death at home, and they tried to save him and couldn't. I know that changed them, and I wouldn't want that for any of my children -- what an awful memory.

      I think I need to open up to Isaiah -- some Lenten reading!

      Prayers for you, too!

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  8. Hi Barbara! My thoughts and prayers are with you. I know how frustrating it is to suffer with an illness and not receive definite answers that actually help or solve the problem. Try this ... Let's change that ... I'm increasing this dosage ... But what about the root cause of the problem? Answers to "why" this is happening to me? And yet, God is allowing it to continue for a reason, and we are invited to unite our sufferings with Jesus', which is easier said than done, I know. When I received my Hashimoto's diagnosis, minutes later I received an email with a Novena to Surrender in it. I began praying it, and it was so comforting. I thought I'd share it with you, that you might receive peace through the prayers ...

    http://pelianito.stblogs.com/files/2010/08/Novena-of-surrender-to-the-will-of-God.pdf

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  9. You expressed my very heart with this post Barbara! I can identify...praying for you and me and all those who suffer from chronic illness!

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I appreciate your comments -- sometimes I feel like I'm talking to myself!